Scar tissue that I wish you saw.

Just because I carry it well, doesn't mean it's not heavy.

I struggled to decide what topic to dig into for my second post. I didn’t want to be a chamba-wamba one-hit-wonder, nor did I want to dive into something as complicated as Israel-Gaza and possibly divide my audience so soon. 

I have to be honest, I did not know what to expect from this blog. I expected a few obligatory “well done”, “shame” or “you are no Gareth” messages (this will be an entire post soon, trust me... living in the shadow of your brilliant younger brother is not easy!)

What I did not expect was the outpouring of love, support, empathy and hearing SO many other people’s stories of pain and how they are fighting their own wars.

I heard from people I’ve known for years, and never knew they were suffering. Afraid to speak out. Suffering in silence like I did for so long.

I am so honoured and grateful that they chose to reach out to me and were brave enough to be vulnerable. I do not take that lightly and I see you all!

So I thought today I would talk about scar tissue. In the fabric of our lives, woven intricately with threads of love, joy and happiness, are strands of pain that we keep hidden. These hidden strands form “scar tissue”.

Not physical scar tissue - although many, like myself, carry actual scars too.. but I mean more the metaphoric scars, the testaments to our battles. Our resilience and in most cases, our silent suffering.

We all have invisible scars.

Yet on our journey to heal and overcome, we frequently choose a solitary path, believing that to bear our own burdens alone is the only way. We have the mistaken belief that in order to be strong, one must be self-reliant.

My close friends will tell you, often to my detriment, that until recently I would not ask for help - ever. I was too proud, too embarrassed, too egotistical to believe that I needed help or support.

But the truth is, just because we carry something well.. doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy!

I know first hand, as a leader and a manager, how hard it can be sometimes to balance showing up with positivity and empathy; to lead with strength and wisdom, when you are going through personal hell inside.

I know what it’s like to try and help friends and loved ones through their pain, when they reach out, when I am fighting to hold back tears because I relate so deeply to their stories!

Everyone carries unseen burdens. 

They may be emotional scars from past traumas, ongoing mental health issues, or personal crises that they keep beneath the surface. 

Trying to deal with our struggles alone can be an incredibly isolating experience. Last week I told you how often I would escape my reality, my life, by making excuses as to why I couldn’t live it. Only to sit a home alone wishing I wasn’t.

This feeling is like being lost in a maze with no map - you know there must be a way out, but you can't seem to find it on your own.

While we put on a brave face and “carry it well”, the truth is that this loneliness doesn’t just make our burdens heavier, it often prolongs our pain. 

The road to healing is often an invisible process, but is made so much longer by trying to go at it alone.

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I am sure most of you know the story of my parents.

If not, the TLDR of it is, when I was much younger, my mother tragically suffered a brain aneurysm and was left in a coma for a long time. During this time she suffered many other issues, including the pneumonia (caused by a super bug she picked up in the very place charged to heal her) that ultimately caused the end of her life.

During this painful time, before my mom was gone, my father gave up on life. He couldn’t stand to see the woman he loved reduced to what she had become. During her time in ICU, the day before their wedding anniversary in fact, his body, heart and soul gave up. He suffered a massive heart attack and passed on.

This was an extremely hard time for my family. I was young, and my brother and sister younger. We were separated by distance, my brother had moved to the UK to start his new life, I had immaturely moved out of my parents home and left my sister alone with my dad. Not my proudest moment.

Why do I bring this up now?

Well, not unsurprisingly based on what you already know about me - I didn’t deal with these tragedies in the most healthy way. I pushed on. I remained strong. Brave. Unwavering. Alone. Cold about it even. I didn’t even shed a tear for a long time. I refused to allow myself to feel. As is my way, I used humour to deflect pain. I made people very uncomfortable with my “dead parent” jokes.

16 years later, that scar tissue is still self-evident to me. 

Only a few weeks ago in fact, I gave a TED talk to my colleagues at work and made a joke that I have daddy issues!

The truth is, when we keep our pain locked away, it festers and often morphs into something more severe. Like chronic anxiety, depression, or even physical illness! The scars may not be visible, but they are most definitely there, influencing our lives in profound and often negative ways.

I cannot be certain, but I am willing to bet good money on the fact that a lot of the physical (and mental) issues I have today were, and are, being made worse by the scar tissue I carry.

Seeking help is not a weakness.

I am truly blessed to have some incredible people in my life, who through years of building trust and love with, allowed me to open up about my struggles and pain. 

There is immense healing power in sharing our experiences with others. When we open up about our struggles, we not only unburden ourselves, but we learn that we are not alone in our pain.

Sharing pain will reduce it, sharing happiness will increase it, so pain or gain share it, especially with the ones who like to care for you.

We have a mental health crisis in our world. Not that people have it, but rather how others perceive it. The stigma of it. The injustice that has arisen where people suffering with mental health issues have to keep it hidden from their boss, their family, their friends because of how they might react.

(The stigma of taking medication for mental health while there is a multi-billion dollar industry that thrives on physical health medication, is a topic I could write about all on its own!)

This makes asking for help so much harder.

There is a massive need in our world to re-define what it means to ask for help. Reaching out to friends, family or even mental health professionals is NOT a sign of weakness or an admission of failure. Taking a pill every day to balance your mental health is NOT a sign that you are too “weak to deal with your issues”.

Its actually an act of strength! It takes a huge amount of courage to acknowledge our vulnerabilities and ask for help.

Healing is not a linear process.

It is a journey with ups and downs. Twists and turns. Light and darkness. You will see a common theme in this blog about being the light. Fighting the darkness to overcome.

In this simpleton’s mind, while navigating a journey of healing, asking for help can often be that guiding light. It can often be the missing piece, the breakthrough you are looking for or needing to move forward.

Healing takes time and often our scars, whether mental or physical never fully heal. However with the help of others, combined with your own inner-strength, they can and will become less painful over time and hopefully can be transformed into symbols of resilience, growth and lessons we can carry with us for the rest of our lives.

Don’t get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure.
- Rumi

We need to, as humans, break the silence surrounding our hidden struggles. We need to start having conversations, offering support and creating environments of trust where we feel safe to open up and ask for help.

We all have the chance to be a part of this change.

I hope that by sharing my stories and challenges I can get the ball rolling. If I can help change just one person’s life - then showing my vulnerabilities and pain publicly will be worth it!

If you cannot share your own stories yet, I know first-hand how hard that can be - then at least be there for someone in need of help. Listen to them. Be a shoulder to cry on or an outlet for their anger and rage. Just be there for them.

Be a safe space for them. Help them gain the strength they need to be the hero of their own story again!

Bob Marley said it best:

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

I’ll end off with this - we all wear our own scar tissue. We all try and carry our burdens alone despite them being too heavy. It is so important to recognise that healing often requires more than just time and solitude. It requires openness, support, love and sometimes a helping hand!

If we can acknowledge this, if we can embrace this - we can begin to transform personal struggles into collective strengths. We can put down those bags of burden and embrace a happier, more love-filled life with those now freed hands.

Remember, it's okay not to be okay, and it's more than okay to ask for help.

Your struggles do not define you… taking care of your mental health is an act of self-love. 

To anyone out there reading this and suffering in silence, hiding their scar tissue - know you are not alone, we are all here for you.

All you need to do is reach out!

SK. 🩶